The Step-By-Step Guide to Shattering Your CrossFit Dreams

1. Hit up the noon class at your CrossFit box

2. Do some shoulder presses and power cleans leading up to a 1 rep max.

3. Fail your shoulder press max at 140#.

4. Fail your first attempt at 240# for the power clean.

5. Wait 3 minutes.

6. Scrape the energy you have left in you to PR at 240# on your power clean.

7. Do 50 kettlebell swings at 55#.

8. Top things off with a 500m row.

9. Get a shitload of congratulations from everyone in the box.

10. Go home.

11. Feel a sharp pain in your upper abdominal area.

12. Think it’s just hunger, so you start preparing your food.

13. Realize it might be gallstones or appendicitis.

14. Shit your pants.

15. Go to the emergency room.

16. Take various tests and prepare to get your appendix removed.

17. Shit your pants again as you realize you might go weeks or months without CrossFit. Might have to bail on your Garage Games team in October.

18. Get appendix removed.

This Was All A True Story

…except for Step 18.

Tonight’s blog post was not supposed to be like this (holding off on that post for another day). Seriously, I was so pumped from PR’ing that power clean that of course I had to share things on Facebook and Twitter.

Literally minutes after those posts, my abdominal area was KILLING me. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t prepare my lunch. Couldn’t do shit.

I’m so relieved that Step 18 didn’t happen.

My surgery probably wouldn’t be until midnight, so I’d probably still be waiting in my tiny hospital room at this time.

Shit Got Pretty Damn Scary

…after the results for my blood test came through. All the usual stuff seemed healthy, but I just had higher levels of white blood cells for some reason. The doctor said:

“If I were a betting man, I’d say it’s your appendix.”

Fuck.

My progress has been pretty consistent in terms of nutrition and working out. I even started cooking some really nice paleo meals. Why did all this have to happen now?

I was even thinking of having to live a sedentary lifestyle for weeks or even months after getting the appendix removed.

Luckily, by 8:30pm or so, I got my results from the CT Scan, and things seemed fine. The doc said I probably just went too hard on my workout today.

And That’s Why I’m Taking Tomorrow Off

I was told that I can continue my usual workouts and nutrition. However, tomorrow I’ll just chill and get some work done.

Right now, I just feel so blessed that things worked out fine. Sitting there helpless in the hospital bed with remnants of that sharp pain in my abdominal area, so many terrible possibilities came to mind.

Since things turned out for the better, I have more motivation than usual to keep things up. My WOD times have been pretty damn nice the past few weeks. My eating has been pretty spot-on with Tim Ferriss’ Slow Carb Diet, although I’m going full-on paleo once again.

No more cheat days as well.

Why? First of all, I feel like shit after them. Second, while I do see progress despite the cheat, I prefer just staying more clean overall. Lastly, today’s appendicitis scare showed me not to take things for granted.

I’m signed up for the Garage Games team event in October, and I’m going to train and eat well for it. Rather than make this some kind of “diet” or “challenge,” today has shown me that it’s much better to adopt this as a lifestyle.

All Thanks To My Big CrossFit Booty

It’s A Gift And A Curse

Okay, even though I’m a guy…I’ve always had a big butt.

From the days of weighing 180# with barely any physical activity (unless Counter-Strike on the computer counts) to my uber slim days going into college, I’d always have some big junk in the trunk.

So What’s The Upside To This?

It’s one of the reasons squats and cleans come naturally to me. Sure, I did put in the time to learning these movements, especially the squat thanks to Starting Strength, but my ass really helped me progress rather quickly.

Same thing with push presses and jerks. I can barely strict press for my life, yet with a slight dip and drive, I can get more than 200# overhead.

And What’s Bad About It?

Clothing just fits weird.

Especially when I was fluctuating in weight before I found a nutritional plan that worked for me (Slow Carb), my ass would make my clothing look awkward. Even if my core area wasn’t that big, it’d still look like I had a gut thanks to the way my ass would stick out.

Fortunately, I’ve been gradually leaning out, so things aren’t so bad…or so I thought.

We Had A Big Festival In My Area

So of course, I used my “Carbicide Saturday” cheat day to party with friends still in the area. We ended up at this local bar with a much wider variety of people than usual thanks to this big event.

I was simply chatting with some friends and enjoying the atmosphere when all of a sudden…a motherfuckin slap on my ass sobered me up. Then a booty bump to my ass got me to turn around.

Knowing that no girl worth talking to would do such a thing (hey, I could be totally wrong lol), I decided to simply turn around just to give a kind smile and continue on with my business. I had a pretty good vibe going on.

Then…once I turned around…all I could think of was.,..fdkfdhkdsdshHAHHAFKDYF&#I%RJFRSRFEF…

…HOLY SHIT it’s VENUSAUR!

Yes, the Pokemon #gottacatchemall

Yes, I still did smile…then once I turned to my friends I made some weird look and knew I had to bounce soon. That good feeling I had going was instantly squashed. Killed. Flaccid. Whatever you wanna call it.

Even Before CrossFit…

My booty has gotten me into some awkward situations.

I worked at a local Cold Stone Creamery one summer while in college, and once I got pretty comfortable bullshitting and joking around with my co-workers (mainly female), things started to get um…interesting.

My supervisor, who was a few years younger than me, would always slap my fuckin ass when I’d walk past her around closing time.

Okay now…so if I did the same thing…haha, nope…I’m not going there.

And yeah, somehow I was in pretty solid shape while working at Cold Stone that summer, despite the constant samplings during the workday. By the way, that Oreo shake they have in one of the sizes amounts to over 1500 calories. When we found the nutrition facts for our products buried behind/underneath the cash register, our minds were blown.

It Must Be This History With My Booty…

…that always gets me to laugh when coach tells us to touch our ass cheeks during glute-targeted stretches. Or maybe I’m just immature and will never get over that kind of humor.

Whatever it is…this kind of thinking gets me to focus on using my ass properly during the appropriate CrossFit movements. We’re always told random cues like “prison defense” and “squeeze your ass at the top” during things like push presses/jerks and cleans. I may be laughing my ass off (uh…) during coach’s instructions, but the humor actually is a constant reminder in optimal form.

And you know what? My power cleans and snatches are finally rid of most of my arm bending/pulling. It’s been more of my ass and hips getting the weight up there.

So Where Am I Going With This Post?

Alright, I’ll admit that I just wanted to blog about my ass getting that Pokemon’s attention, but I’ve realized while writing that humor and random stories like these can really help you with your CrossFit game. Then again, it also depends upon your learning style and the kind of person you are.

I can always link a series of events to something that’s happening in the moment. Also, if you can’t tell already, humor grabs my attention and helps me learn things rather quickly.

So the next time you get frustrated with your double unders or some other CrossFit movement…shit, you can even apply this to anything else in your everyday life…think of some random or funny event that can help you learn and improve on your current situation.

No matter how random, dumb, or stupid this event or reminder can be, just roll with it. You’re not doing this to impress someone else. All the validation you need is within.

Do this stuff for yourself 🙂

Who The Hell Uses A Standing Desk?

I do.

I honestly thought using a standing desk was nonsense, even after seeing this infographic months ago:

Click for the full-sized image.

As someone who spends HOURS every day on the computer for work, I knew I couldn’t keep sitting and slouching like I usually do all day. Sure, I go all out in my CrossFit WOD’s, but I really do spend a lot of my time in front of the computer.

A few days ago, I came across the infographic again and really thought about my daily routine outside the box…and shit.

Re-reading all those facts in that infographic was just downright scary. Sitting like that for so long every day just adds up. It obviously isn’t good for my health. On top of that, my posture takes a hit in the later hours of my day.

No bueno.

What Do I Have To Lose?

Yeah, I was thinking of following this tutorial for building a standing desk with stuff from IKEA for $22, but I thought of being creative today since today was an off day from the gym.

With the help of a piano chair, a bunch of hardcover books from college that I couldn’t sell, and a shitload of outdated, uber-geeky computer books, I managed to hack this together:

Pretty ghetto, huh?

To help my feet out a bit through the day, I even dug up my old yoga mat from my P90X days.

How’s The Standing Desk So Far?

As expected, it’s not that comfortable, although I know my feet and calves will eventually adjust. It’s like the transition from wearing thicker running shoes to a minimalist shoe like the New Balance Minimus MX20.

At first, you question if you’ve made the right decision, then after a week or so, it seems like the best decision you’ve ever made.

Now Again…Why A Standing Desk?

For one, standing while doing work could possibly improve my productivity. A bunch of other guys I know who also work from home have said good things about it, so why not give it a shot? After a long sesh in my office chair, especially when I start to slouch, I get lazy. It’ll be interesting to see how this desk setup works for me.

And of course, the main reason I wanted to try this out is for my own health.

Sitting at my desk all day most likely is slowing down my progress. If I can see any direct improvements in my CrossFitting and in my physical results, then I’m all for this standing desk “nonsense.”

What Do You Guys Think?

At times, I do miss having a nitty-gritty, part-time summer job where I was doing a lot of hands-on work. I was just more active then. Sure, most of the time, I’d be sweating my ass off and making only a little bit of cash, but back then it seemed so much easier to get into shape.

Maybe the constant sitting has been the downfall of my recent lifestyle?

Regardless, I’m going to Kip It Real and try this out for a few weeks. I’ll play things by ear.